Thursday Thirteen # 41 . . . 13 Candidates for the OSM's Worst Parents In The World Award . . .

My dear husband is a big fan of MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olberman. Me? Not so much. Before you get it twisted, yeah, I am very much a liberal, I just prefer my news the old fashioned way--without the obvious bias, the additional commentary and all of that dang shouting. In particular, that whole "Worst Person In the World" segment strikes me as a wee bit over the top. I tend to file those sorts of things under entertainment rather than news.

So, in the name of entertainment, I don't have a problem with borrowing the "Worst Person" concept for the Old School Mix's Thursday Thirteen--The 13 Candidates for the Worst Parents In the World Award.

1) Jon & Kate (minus the 8)

2) Octo-Mom and the Anonymous Sperm Donor

3) The parents who bring their infants, toddlers, preschoolers and/or underage kid (s) into R-rated movies

4) Michael Jackson

5) Penny's Mama (from the old Good Times TV series)

6) Katherine & Joe Jackson

7) The Parents of the Rugrats

8) Homer & Marge Simpson

9) Ozzie & Sharon Osbourne

10) Britney & K-Fed

11) Christina Raines (the woman who, along with her kids, was shacked up with Drew Peterson before his most recent arrest)

12) Bobby & Whitney

13) Any parent who puts full make up (blush, lipstick, eyelashes, liner, etc.) on an infant, toddler, preschooler, etc. and enters them into a beauty contest.

Well, those are some of my pics. Who would you nominate?

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The Latest Entertainment Nonsense . . . In The News . . .

Chris Brown vs. Rihanna

Last night it was reported that Chris Brown was being pursued for questioning about an alleged assault against an unidentified woman. Rumor has it that the woman in question is his girlfriend, Rihanna.

My first thought when I heard this was, Dag, Ole Boy obviously skipped the chapter in the Thug Handbook that advises against striking Light-Skinned women (ditto White women) upside the head. Sheesh, y'all know we bruise easily! Being a member of the Light-Skinned tribe himself, you'd think Mr. Brown would already know this.

All joking aside, hopefully this will serve as a lesson to young Chris that striking a woman, any woman isn't a route he wants to take, unless he's looking to emulate the careers of folks Ike Turner or OJ, both of whom could have readily advised him about the Thug Handbook's Light-Skinned/White woman beat-down rules . . .

Michael Phelps vs. The Richland County South Carolina Sheriff

Okay, so a picture materalizes of Mr. Phelps taking a hit off a bong and now the sheriff in Richland County, South Carolina where the incident allegedly took place wants to press charges. Yeah, right. I mean seriously, I could see if the boy got caught sucking on a crack pipe or snorting something up his nose, shooting something into his veins or standing on a corner dealing. But this just seems pretty doggone trivial to me.

If South Carolina is anything like North Carolina (where I currently reside), then drunk driving is pretty much a daily local news item. I don't know if it's that whole Dukes of Hazard NASCAR mentality or what. But every other day it seems, some drunk fool is driving down the wrong side of the road, crashing into trees, rolling down embankments or worse yet, causing accidents that result in serious injury or death to other drivers, passengers and or pedestrians.

If law enforcement officials in the Carolinas are looking to crack down on drug use and abuse, why not start with all of these speeding drunk a$$ drivers who get these laughably light sentences? In any case, I'm pretty sure the good citizens of Richland County have bigger issues in need of addressing, say like Umemployment. Poverty. Racism. Real Crime.

It's also rather interesting how your average citizen or celebrity can be charged with a crime on the basis of a photo, but you can have twenty minutes worth of video footage of a cop beating the hell out of somebody and somehow, that's not enough proof for conviction. Anyway . . .

The Octuplets Mom (Nadya Sulema) vs Anybody With A Sound Mind

Okay, from the looks of things, homegirl has some serious issues. When I heard that she'd received disability compensation after being injured in a riot that took place in psychiatric facility, my first thought was Well, that explains everything. During the riot she obviously hit her head on something . . .

As I watched an excerpt from the interview she did with Ann Curry, I said to my husband, "In addition to being coo-coo for Coco Puffs, I think homegirl has had a wee bit too much plastic surgery." Really, something about her nose and her lips just didn't seem right. She looked like a mangled cross between Lil Kim, Michael Jackson and some sort of feral feline, the latter of which might account for her incomprehensible desire to give birth to a litter. Sure enough, since my first sighting of Ms. Suleman others have suggested she's gone under the knife a time or two and may possibly be suffering from some sort of Angelia Jolie complex.

Etta James vs Beyonce

You know, I really can't blame Ms. James for being upset about not receiving an invitation to sing "her song" at the inauguration. I'm sure she felt like she'd been overlooked, yet again. But her rant against Beyonce was a bit much.

No disrespect intended, but while listening to Ms. James' spiel, I couldn't help but think about those women I'd sometimes see in those dark, smoky cafes one of my grandmothers used to work in. I'm talking about those women who'd be sitting and nodding at a table by themselves, with a crooked wig on their heads, a cigarette in their mouths and a half-empy forty on the table in front of them. Some of the stuff that came out of their mouths would bring tears to your eyes (smile).

Thursday Thirteen # 34 . . . 13 Things, I Assure You, I Don't Want To See . . .

1) Your drawers -- I don't care if they are clean. I don't care if you bought 'em off Ebay from Puffy or borrowed them from Madonna; I don't care if they're lined in silver and/or gold -- All I'm asking is that you pluck 'em up off the dang floor (ditto the dining room table, chandelier, etc.) before I come over and/or pull up your sagging or low-riding jeans!

2) Footage of you or any of your loved ones giving birth -- To be clear, any home movies containing surgical procedures, blood, gore and/or screaming (in the notable absence of a rollercoaster) I can very well do without.

3) Your corns, hammertoes and/or bunions -- If your tootsies look like they're coated in oatmeal or belong on a rooster, eagle, dragon or some other winged critter (mythical or real), please don't go barefoot or wear sandals around me.

4) Any of your removable body parts -- If any of your body parts come off or pop off, I'm more than willing to take your word for it.

5) Your nail clippings -- Were I into hoo-doo and looking to cast a spell or curse on your behind, your ole nasty clippings might come in handy. But since I'm not, dispose of them properly, please.

6) Your false teeth or your raggedly-looking mouth without them -- It's not often I prefer illusion over reality, but this is definitely one such case.

7) Your boobs -- Okay, unless you're nursing a child (preferably one under the age of 2) or you're experiencing a wardrobe malfunction, I really don't care to see your girls.

8) The sonogram image from your ultrasound -- I understand your excitement at your pending arrival, but unless the image is in 3-D or you're in the last month of your third trimester, I really don't know what the heck I'm looking at.

9) Pictures of you or any of your friends and/or relatives drunk or in the buff -- Fair warning, if you email me some mess like this or invite me to view such on your Facebook or MySpace page, you're putting our friendship in serious jeopardy.

10) Your a$$ crack -- Unless we're in an intimate relationship or for some socially acceptable reason, I find myself forced to change or clean your nasty behind, please spare me this trauma.

11) Anything a physician has removed from your body -- The sole exception being a child, of course. But gall stones, kidneys stones, warts, moles, tumors and other such growths . . . yeah, I'm really not trying to see any of that.

12) The excessive hair growing from your ears, nose, arm pits or covering your back -- Unless you've got paperwork verifying that you are indeed a Cro-Magnon, do me a favor and keep all of that stuff neatly trimmed or to yourself.

13) Any of your bodily waste products -- Really, some things ought to go without saying. But in the event that they don't, wipe your nose, flush the toilet and get thee quickly to the nearest doctor and/or shrink if the situation dictates such measures.

Well, are there any others you'd like to add? As long as you don't get too gross or x-rated, have at it (smile).

For those of you who don't know, sadly, the old Thursday Thirteen site and meme no longer exists. But a new crew has decided to keep the tradition going under a slightly different format. See Here for more info.

Thursday Thirteen #31 . . . 13 Dog Types I Would/Have/Might Consider Owning . . .

I'm not a "dog person," but like the members of the next First Family, I may soon find myself sharing quarters with one. Sigh. My son and the hubby have their hearts set on some BIG a$$, hairy, stank-breath dog. Black Labs. Golden Retrievers. German Shepards, etc. My typical response to suggestions of this type are, "hell no" "have you lost your fricking mind?" and "forget about it."

Truth be known, my dog of preference would be a cat. (LOL) I like cats. I know cats. Cats use the litter box. Ordinarily, they don't suffer from chronic halitosis or enjoy rolling in their own poo. But since owning a cat is out of the question (the hubby is allergic), and I know I'm going to be the primary caretaker of said dog, I've drawn up a list of canines I would (have or might) consider owning.

1) Invisible (I mean really, wouldn't this be ideal? Can't we just all pretend?)

2) Stuffed (I'm saying, imagine the flexibility that comes with this choice. No barking. No shedding. No vet bills. No huge mounds of crap in the yard . . .)

3) Puppy (Okay, in all honesty, I've yet to meet the puppy I didn't like. If only they didn't eventually grow up to be big, stank breath dogs . . .)

4) From a pound or animal shelter (I do very much like the idea of rescuing some lost or abandoned or ill-fated pooch.)

5) Jack Russell (If I'm doomed to own a dog, I'd prefer a smart one. These dogs have always struck me as highly intelligent.)

6) Rat Terrier (This fits my preference for something small and cute. I'd actually be open to owning two of these, but the hubby appears to have a strong bias against any animal with the word "rat" in its name.)

7) Any short-haired Terrier (Have you noticed a theme or pattern yet? LOL)

8) Mutt (I've heard mixed bred-dogs have the best dispositions. And while I could easily live with a neurotic cat, co-habitating with a nut-case for a dog is out of the question.)

9) Beagle (I think this would make for a good compromise. It's not too big, not too small and they seem halfway intelligent, I mean for a dog.)

10) Hunting Dog/Pointer (My grandfather hunts and has always owned a hunting dog or two. So, I kind of know what to expect from this breed and they appear to have a fairly decent temperament.)

11) Chihuahua (Once upon a time, I didn't really like this type of dog. As a child, all the ones I ever saw were bug-eyed and yapped a lot. But in recent years, I've seen some cute and relatively quiet ones. The hubby grimaces at the thought of owing what he considers such a "foo-foo" dog.)

12) Any small, short-haired, female dog (Yes, I would prefer a girl dog. Of course, the hubby is lobbying for just the opposite.)

13) Hairless (Come on, how could you not love a dog who looks scared and shivers a lot? At least I wouldn't have to worry about her shedding .)

Well, any suggestions? I'm open . . . even though I'd still prefer a cat. Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

TRASH-TALKING CELEBRITIES . . . I JUST DON'T GET IT . . .

What's up with the recent rash of racist, sexist and just plain ole idiotic name-calling? Wait, did I say idiotic? I guess that makes me guilty too, huh? Nah, I hardly think so.

I'm talking about all of the truly foul and low-brow utterances that have recently been captured on tape and spouting forth from the twisted lips of folks like Duane Chapman (aka The Bouty Hunter), Amy Winehouse and Charlie Sheen. To be honest, the antics of Winehouse and Chapman don't surprise me. Besides looking like they could both stand a dunk or two in a big tub of scalding hot water and a good old fashioned scrub-down with some of Granny's lye soap, as of late, neither one of them acts or appears as if they're wrapped too tight.

But Sheen's profanity-laced rant, really shocked and disappointed me. Yeah, I know about his past problems with substance abuse, but still, this was a guy who purportedly had one of his African American buddies serve as the best man in his wedding. In the transcript I read of the call, not only does Sheen call his ex-wife (Denise Richards) an "f---ing c---" (you fill in the blanks), he also tells her in one breath, apparently, "You're a coward and a liar and a f---ing nig---." Wow! Isn't it fascinating and incredibly telling how Sheen juxtaposed the words coward and liar with one of the most offensive racial epithets for Black folks?

Pardon me if I don't come off as particularly sympathetic or forgiving when it comes to instances like these, but I JUST DON'T GET IT. I have a number of friends whose race, religion, ethnicity, gender and sexual orientation differ from mine. I can't think of an instance, whether in jest or in anger when I'd ever refer to anyone of them by a slur specifically aimed at their race, religion, ethnicity, gender or sexual orientation.

Hell, I don't even malign my enemies in that manner. Seriously, if I feel the need to call someone something worse than the non-discriminatory "f--ing idiot" or the all purpose "dumb-a$$ or "a$$-hole," I'm not liable to waste my breath in his/her direction. I'm saying, what's the point?

A FEW SONG DEDICATIONS . . .

A recent post on Bettye Griffin's blog (Chewing The Fat With Bettye) both inspired and amused my inner DJ. In her post entitled, "Who's Making Love To Your Old Lady While You Were Out Making Love" Griffin rails against all of those who've either been caught and/or who've been moved to confess of having "knocked boots" with someone other than a spouse.

While Ms. Griffin had the newly installed Governor of NY and his wife in mind when she selected one of Johnnie Taylor's classic hits for her blog's title, when I first heard about the past affairs of the legally blind, African American Governor, the first song that came to my mind was one by the blind Blues musician, Clarence Carter . . . you know, the song where he brags, "I be stroking, I be wearing it out."

A commercial with the blind Mr. Carter singing that particular song used to air pretty frequently when I lived in Memphis, which, in case you didn't know, is the offical home of both Beale Street and the Blues.

Anyway, after reading Ms. Griffin's post, my inner DJ was moved to dedicate a few songs, mainly of the Blues variety, to some of the folks who've been in the news of late.

1) To NY Governor David Paterson, I'd like to dedicate my man Clarence Carter's "I Be Strokin."

2) To Paul McCartney, I'd like to dedicate two songs: Johnny Taylor's "It's Cheaper To Keep Her" and John Lee Hooker's "I Need Some Money."

3) To Idaho Congressman Larry Craig, I'd like to dedicate two songs: Little Milton's "Behind Closed Doors" and Ko-Ko Taylor's "Wang-Dang-Doodle."

4) To Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and his former Chief of Staff, I'd like to dedicate Johnnie Taylor's "We're Getting Careless With Our Love."

5) To Former President Bill Clinton and Hillary, also affectionately known as "Billary" I'd like to dedicate Z. Z. Hill's "Cheating In the Next Room."

6) To Former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer and his wife Silda, I'd like to dedicate: Memphis Slim's "Messin' Around" and B. B. King's "The Thrill is Gone."

7) For Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds, I had to step outside of the box a bit in order to dedicate Kanye's "Golddigger." How's that line go again? "I ain't saying she's a golddigger, but she ain't messin' with no broke . . ." Also, in the more traditional vein, I'd like to dedicate to the pair B. B. King's "Never Make Your Move Too Soon."

8) And for the woman who sat on the toilet for two years (y'all heard about that madness, right?) I'd like to dedicate two songs: Jimmy Witherspoon's "Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do" and Big Joe Turner's "Everyday I Have The Blues."

Okay, those are my selections. You want a turn? Is there someone to whom you'd like to dedicate a song or two? Go 'head. Give it a whirl (smile).

(Written while listening to John Lee Hooker's "You Know, I Know" "It Serves You Right To Suffer" and "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer;" Muddy Water's "Mannish Boy" and Johnny Taylor's "Take Care of Your Homework.")

A FEW BODY DOUBLE . . . DON'T (s) . . .

Some things you just ought not tell me . . . really, unless your aim is, in fact, to make me bust out laughing. Take the time my friend JG told me, and with a perfectly straight face, that his grandmama looked like B.B. King. What the?! (LOL) Yeah, it was slow day at the library, but still . . . I was like dude, I don't mean any harm, but if my grandmama looked like B.B. King, I wouldn't tell anybody.

Same goes for my friend YN, who every now and then will mention how her sisters used to claim one of her college boyfriends looked just like Billy Ocean. Y, girl, please . . . you know I love ya like a play cousin, but you're really gonna have to stop telling people that mess (LOL).

One body-double moment that at the time wasn't so funny was when my cousin Mary's husband said my NEWBORN son looked just like Al Freeman Jr. For those of you who don't know or need a little refreshing, Al Freeman Jr. is the actor who played Elijah Muhammad in Spike Lee's Malcolm X. Yeah MR . . . I'm still not laughing dude (smile). Actually, the boy did kind of look like brother Freeman, but still . . . Some things you just don't say out loud!

Another not so funny body-double moment, I still remember and harbor a grudge over, happened back in college. One of my so-called good friends, who, herself, could pass for a Gremlin twin, said I reminded her of Big Bird from Sesame Street Fame. Yeah, I get it . . . tall, yellow, goofy and big-hipped. That's all right, LF 'cause guess what? You still have more teeth than height!

See, don't start none, won't be none (LOL).

So, what about any of you? Any memorable body double don't(s) you care to share? Do you have a celebrity twin? Who do people say you resemble?

THURSDAY THIRTEEN #12 . . . 13 WRESTLING MATCHES (No Holds Barred) I'D LOVE TO SEE . . .

Okay, ordinarily I'm a pretty peaceful person. But come on, aren't there some folks you'd just love to see put in a head-lock, spun around and pimp-slapped a couple of times? Nothing beats a good, old fashion thrashing. Well, the following is a list of "no holds barred' wrestling matches I'd love to see.

1) ROSIE O'DONNEL vs DONALD TRUMP (I'm fairly sure Rosie would aim first for the hair and the Don would go for the gut)

2) KIM BASINGER vs ALEC BALDWIN (I'm guessing lots of name-calling, hissing and spitting would go on here)

3) ANN COULTER vs ELIZABETH EDWARDS (Oh, if only to see AC get both the dark glasses and the smirk smacked off her face)

4) OJ SIMPSON vs DENISE BROWN & FRED GOLDMAN (This would, no doubt, earn a "fight of the century" billing)

5) BARBARA WALTERS vs STAR JONES (In the event of any wig/weave-snatching or clothes ripping, spectators would be strongly advised to shield their eyes)

6) MONICA LEWINSKY vs LINDA TRIPP (I'm sure there's still plenty of bad blood between these two . . . if not one really nasty dress)

7) NAOMI CAMPBELL vs ALL OF HER FORMER ASSISTANTS (First we'd have to ban from the ring any objects which could possibly be hurled)

8) RUDY GIULIANI vs DENNIS KUCINICH (Lots of rabbit punches and low blows)

9) T.O. vs DONAVON MCNABB (Don't blame me, this was my son's contribution)

10) SIMON COWELL vs PAULA ABDUL (Doesn't Simon looks like the type who'd fight a girl?)

11) COLIN POWELL vs DICK CHENEY (Are we ready to rumble?! Or possibly find those weapons of mass destruction?)

12) DIANA ROSS vs MARY WILSON (Talk about an old grudge! These two really do need to let it go or else duke it out once and for all)

13) PUTIN vs BUSH (I can see it now--Putin straight gangsta walking (Three 6 Mafia style) around the ring and Bush doing his usual imitation of Festus (of Gunsmoke fame). Pretty scary stuff, huh? But it sure beats the possible alternative.

Would you pay for a ringside seat at any of these? What other knock-down, drag-outs might you want to see?

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

THURSDAY THIRTEEN #9 . . . 13 THINGS NO WOMAN EVER WANTS TO HEAR AT THE END OF A ROMANTIC EVENING . . .

1) Okay, now what did you say your name was again?

2) Yeah, so after I'm finished with my probation . . .

3) Don't worry, the itching and burning doesn't last long . . .

4) Darn, I'm kind of low on cash. You think you could let me borrow (or loan me . . . or let me hold . . .)

5) No, seriously, the trailer . . . (or room in my parents' basement or the tricked-out mini-van, etc.) has a really nice hot tub . . .

6) My phone? Oh, that's just the wife calling to see where I am . . .

7) Oops, sorry, but I think it mighta broke . . .

8) You wanna come over? Mama and her dogs (or her cats or her ferrets or her goats or her ______ **you fill in the blank**) are generally fast asleep by now . . .

9) Funny, the woman I went out with last night said the exact same thing . . .

10) Soon as I get the flea (or the tick or the roach or the _____ ** fill in your vermin of choice **) infestation taken care of, I'll invite you over . . .

11) Did I ever tell you about the time I was on Jerry Springer? (or Maury Povich or Cops or Cheaters or _______ ** fill in your ignorant show of choice**)

12) Okay, I know it looks bad, but I'm really not all that contagious . . .

13) Holy crap! I think you mighta broke it . . .

Well, that's my list (smile). All comments and/or additions are welcome.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

TWENTY SIGNS . . . THAT A WRITING GROUP / WORKSHOP ISN'T FOR ME . . .

The October 2007 issue of O Magazine contains a nice article about a writing group called "The Finish Party." The eight member San Francisco Bay area group meets once a month, even though several of the members have to commute from LA in order to participate.

I came away from the article both a bit envious and with a renewed sense of hope about such endeavors. Over the years, dating as far back as my freshman year in college, I've been aligned with several different writing groups. My own experience with such groups has ranged from truly horrific to decidely mixed at best.

Sometimes the primary issue was simply a matter of conflicting interests and/or objectives. But more often than not, my own lack of patience with what I perceived as too much unadulterated bull crap came into play.

No doubt, some of the items on the following list (Twenty Signs That A Writing Group / Workshop Isn't For Me) are bound to rub some folks the wrong way. My reponse to that is . . . "Oh well." As I've mentioned before in the Old School Mix, what to me may reek like ten day old boiled cabbage, may to some one else have all of the savory appeal of birthday cake with ice-cream. It's just an opinion folks and one of the best things about living in the US of A is that we're each entitled to our own.

Anyway, this list is in no particular order, but the existence of more than one or two of these items in a group and on a regularly occurring basis will generally lead to the swift end of my participation.

1) The group is over-run by folks writing ghetto / gangsta / street / pimp /'I don't wanna be a freak but I can't help myself'/ type of lit. (Sorry, that's just not my kinda crowd.)

2) Lots of praise is given, but no real critique or discussion ever takes place. (Seriously, if all you want to hear is how great your work is, your best bet is to keep showing it to your Mama 'Nem.)

3) The group acts like it doesn't know how to function in the absence of its leader. (You know, where there is a set "game plan" this typically doesn't happen.)

4) Bad information is routinely passed of as fact and/or "The Truth, The Way and The Light." (Dag people, just 'cause the leader of the group or the dude with 20 self-published books under his belt or the wanna-be-editor who's out to take the rest of your money said "it," doesn't make "it" Gospel. Learn to double check stuff and solicit other opinions. Sheesh, when all else fails "Google."

5) The first thirty minutes to an hour is spent waiting on late arrivals. (Why? Am I the only one who thinks life is too short and my time too valuable to waste on folks who've obviously decided they have better things to do?)

6) No one knows when or where the next meeting will take place. (Ah, yeah, sounds like a plan to me.)

7) The consumption of food, liquor and/or weed appears to take higher priority than any actual writing, critiquing or discussion. (Gotta love those priorities, don't cha?)

8) Group members appear more interested in attending and scheduling events and selling their work than working on craft. (This is one of my major pet peeves. Sorry, while I can certainly see the benfits of such for some, every now and then, I'm simply not interested in doing marketing, making money or bringing attention to myself under the guise of providing a service to the community.)

9) Group members are strongly encouraged, instructed and/or required to dress alike. (Huh? Say what? Sorry, as one who treasures her individuality, just the thought repulses me. One reason I never wanted to join the Girl Scouts is because I hated those doofus-looking--oops--I meant, those cookie-cutter outfits.)

10) The group is over-run with groupies, star-gazers and brown-nosers. (In general, these types get on my nerves anyway. But in a group setting their presence is particularly distracting and annoying.)

11) There is no real accounting of the monies being collected. (Yeah, this always makes me want to hum a few bars of Prince's "Thieves In The Temple.")

12) A lot of time is devoted to writing exercises. (Really, if I wanted to do exercises, I'd sign up for a class, preferably one where I'd get a grade for my efforts. Sorry, but for me this typically feels like a huge waste of a group's time.)

13) The group has an on-line presence (or website), but very few people know how to access it or it is extremely difficult to do so. (To me, this is a sign that the parties involved don't really care).

14) The group leader is consistently late, missing in action or unprepared. (Is it just me, or does the lust for power and incompetence frequently appear to march hand-in-hand?)

15) Non-writing participants routinely critique the work of writing participants. (I'm saying, why are non-writing participants even in the group?)

16) Newcomers are never given any specific written information about the group--no rules or by-laws, no agenda, no member contact information, no meeting schedule. (I'm cool with a casual, laid-back style, but to me this is the mark of a group who isn't really serious.)

17) The poets in the group out-number those writing fiction. (Okay, I like poets. Some of my best friends are poets. But I don't really know a lot about writing poetry. Likewise, most poets don't really know a lot about writing fiction. Come on folks, lets keep it honest and real. Aren't we supposed to be helping one another?)

18) The leader dictates, delegates and castigates those who refuse to adhere to his/her personal program and/or agenda. (This may work with weak-minded, easily impressed folks who are open to drinking the Kool-Aid, but I'm grown and I'm neither easily enamored nor readily led.)

19) Members full of excuses and reasons why they NEVER have any work to submit to the group for critique. (Keep it real, y'all. Writing isn't a spectator's sport. Either you're committed and ready to do the damn thing or you're not.)

20) The group is primarily made up of self-published authors. (Nothing personal. I've just noticed that the goal of a lot of self-pub folks appears to be perfecting what they obviously view as little more than a hustle . . . rather than learning what it takes to improve their writing and story-telling skills.)

Again, to be clear, just because the things I've listed don't work for me, that doesn't necessarily make them bad. Feel free to share some of your own thoughts . . . even if they don't exactly jibe with mine.

MORE EVERYDAY MUSINGS . . . OLD SCHOOL STYLE . . .

1) Has anyone, besides me, noticed that Michael Vick bears an uncanny resemblance to that bad dog named "King" that at least one neighbor kept chained up in the yard back in the day?

2) Am I the only one who thinks Flava Flav, Lil Wayne, Tommy Lee and Britney Spears all look like they could benefit from a good scrub down with some of Granny's lye soap? (Granny of "The Beverly Hillbillies" for all you youngsters out there who are scratching your heads and saying who?)

3) Am I the only one who's never seen Lindsey Lohan in anything--besides a news blurb or a clip from a tv tabloid?

4) Does anyone, besides me, wish the media would just let folks like Anna Nicole, Elvis, Tupac, Biggie and Princess Diana rest in peace?

5) Am I the only one who's noticed that men who use the word "sexy" in a song, are generally anything BUT that? (Think about it. Rod Stewart: "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" Ah, that would be a NO! Right Said Fred: "I'm Too Sexy" Yeah, in some alternate world, perhaps. Baby Face: "Grown & Sexy" Well, he got the grown part right. And for anyone who dares say Justin Timberlake: "Sexy Back"--NO, I'M AFRAID NOT . . . First of all, Cute and Sexy are two entirely different things . . . )

6) Has anyone, besides me, caught themselves singing (or humming) along with the "Viva Viagra" commercial? Uh-uh, don't lie. (Ugh, I can't get that durn song out of my head!)

7) Does anyone, besides me, get the feeling that R. Kelly's alleged victim is gonna hit menopause before the case against Kelly ever goes to trial? Dag, the man is still touring, making records, releasing even more bad videos and everything. (All kidding aside, last I heard the poor girl in this case was getting ready to have a baby ).

8) Has anyone, besides me, ever wondered why the folks hired by shows like Entertainment Tonight and America's Next Top Model to critique women's hairstyles and fashion choices are mainly men? . . . (I'm saying, men, who, themselves, typically look like oversized trolls?)

9) Has anyone, besides me, ever wondered who Sweet Pea's real daddy is? (Yes, I am talking Sweet Pea of "PopEye" cartoon fame). Wouldn't you love to see that bad episode of Maury? But rather than the most obvious suspects (PopEye or Brutus), wouldn't it be funny if Olive Oly's real baby daddy turned out to be none-other-than that ole hamburger begging "Wimpy" or even worse . . . PopEye's old lecherous daddy--"Poopdeck Pappy?"

10) Am I the only one who's noticed that people who ask, solicit and/or outright beg for your opinion . . . really and truly only want your agreement and/or affirmation (*smile*)

Yeah, I know . . . on most of those, I'm probably the only one. But if you do have any comments and/or additions, be my guest . . .

THURSDAY THIRTEEN #4 . . . 13 TV KIDS I LOVE TO HATE . . .

It's all Malcolm's fault (smile). Not only did he get me hooked on this Thursday Thirteen meme business, earlier this week he added a poll to his blog (Pop Culture Dish). In the poll, he mentioned a kid (played by Billy Mumy) from one of my LEAST favorite episodes of The Twilight Zone. In the episode, the little kid named Anthony, a little monster in disguise, has the power to make people who tick him off disappear into the cornfield.

Argh! I couldn't stand that kid. In the process of thinking about just how much I absolutely abhorred him, I started thinking about some of the other TV kid characters who've worked my last nerve.

Granted, most of the shows on my list I've only watched in passing (either while channel surfing or because of my own child's appetite for bad television) but trust me, I saw more than enough . . . Anyway, here's the list:

1) Anthony Fremont (That was the fictional name of the evil spawn from the Twilight Zone who made people disappear into the cornfield.)

2) Kenan and Kel of the Kenan and Kel Show (Okay, watching these two goof-balls was sort of like watching a Black version of Larry and Curly, minus Moe. And for the record, I hated the original 3 Stooges.)

3) Steve Urkel from Family Matters (Talk about an insult to smart, Black kids everywhere (smile). But to be fair, besides Laura, most of the characters on this show came off as big doofuses.)

4) Michelle from Full House (Something about the Olsen twins has always given me the hee-bee jee-bees. Seriously, when they were babies they kind of reminded me of a pair of muppets or ventriloquist dummies or something . . . )

5) Lil Earl from What's Happening (The hubby has threatened to put me out if I include Lil Earl's name on the list. Well, I guess I'll be sitting on the curb tonight y'all (LOL). One clue that a show is about to get the ax is when they add some cute, but annoying little kid to the cast. Sorry Sweetie, Lil Earl seriously bugged the heck out of me.

6) Raven, Corey and Eddie from That's So Raven (My son is mad at me about this one (smile). Not that I care. I still say, rather than a show, all three of these jokers should be doing commercial spots for either Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig.)

7) J.J from Good Times (This one is sort of a no-brainer, isn't it? Yeah, let's just keep it moving . . . )

8) Tia and Tamera from Sister, Sister (I'm not sure what it was about them. But even today when I see them, I get that awful sensation that generally accompanies the dragging of fingernails across a chalk board . . . shudder)

9) All of the kids from Happy Days (I hated this show. Still do. Mainly because, back when I was a teen, the 3 kids I babysat for during the summers used to make me watch the re-runs with them every doggone day. I have no doubt that being forced to watch this show is some awful level of Dante's Hell.)

10) All of the kids from Barney (Come on y'all. Weren't most of the kids on this show too durn old to be dancing, skipping, singing goofy songs and holding hands with the likes of Barney?)

11) Buffy and Mrs. Beasley from Family Affair (Yes, technically, Mrs. Beasley was a doll. But it's hard for me to imagine one without the other. I'm pretty sure there were days when it took everything in Mr. French not to lock the both of them up in the closet somewhere.)

12) Junior from My Wife and Kids (Talk about a punkin head. *For those who don't know or are simply in denial, "punkin" is Southern Ebonics for pumpkin* Yeah, so, anyway, they made this kid's character so slow, he really should have been hanging out with those big, goofy kids on Barney . . . and wearing a protective football helmet so he wouldn't hurt his fool self.)

13) Greg, Marsha and Jan from The Brady Bunch (Y'all know in the real world, Greg would have grown up to be the office suck-up, Marsha would have ended up being somebody's Stepford wife and poor Jan would have either wound up as some demented serial killer or else a horribly confused astronaut . . . you know, like the type who at some point decides to embark upon a road trip armed with a can of mace and a big bag of of Depends . . .)

So tell me, who did I miss? Which TV kid makes you wanna go all "Homie the Clown" (from the show In Living Color) and just bop 'em upside the head, one good time? I love kids. Really, I do . . . just not the ones on TV.

CHITLINS, RIBS AND PORKCHOPS FOR DAYS . . . OR JUST A BIG BUNCH OF HOG WASH?

Okay, I'm sure by now you've heard about the 11 year old kid who killed the 1,051 lbs and 9 ft long wild hog somewhere deep in the Alabama woods, right? Well, I'm sorry, but it sounds like a whole bunch of BULL to me (LOL).

My own dear hubby insists its true, if only because he heard it reported on NPR. Oh, Please. That story has HOAX stamped all over it and that photo looks about as real as Lil Kim's, Michael Jackson's and Joan Rivers' faces spliced together.

But okay, for the sake of arguement, let's say the story is true. So, is this GIANT HOG some kind of random freak of nature, or does he have a big ole swoll pack of brothers, sisters and play cousins stomping around in those woods somewhere? And if the latter is true, how come we're just now learning of their existence? If nothing else, wouldn't we have at least SMELLED those jokers by now?

My other questions are about the kid and his proud papa. Who in the world goes hunting in the woods with a .50-caliber revolver? I'm saying, if that doesn't put the capital "B" in 'Bama, I don't know what does (LOL). I read one report that said the kid attended school at some Christian Academy. Well, good for him. But I'm pretty sure chasing a giant wild hog, who hasn't done zip-dang-squat to you, for three hours through the doggone woods and then busting a cap in said hog, umpteen some times, isn't something you'd necessarily want to file under 'Things Jesus Would Do.'

Of course, I could be wrong. But just in case, I'm filing this one under "Stupid Stuff" and "Ignorant Mess."